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[04 Feb 2010|10:09pm] |
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I want to go see Dear John and cry a lot...
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[03 Feb 2010|09:56pm] |
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I'm holding on to something that never was... I cannot make myself let go.
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[04 Jan 2010|10:33pm] |
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It is so hard to love someone so much...especially when they do not love you in return.
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[26 Nov 2009|11:51am] |
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Happy Thanksgiving.
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[22 Oct 2009|04:19pm] |
I have made so many wrong decisions lately. But, it is too late.
It is time to start over.
"And I still miss someone."
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[12 Oct 2009|09:01pm] |
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This is so dumb.
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| So long, ANV. Farewell. |
[03 Oct 2009|10:25am] |
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mood |
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 working |
] |
You've made me into someone who should not hold a loaded gun
And now you sit upon my chest
Knock out my wind, knock out my best
And so long to no disasters, and mornings too
And so long to ever afters, so long to you
I am soft for only you
Impale me with your tongue it's true
And slices of me piled sky high
The same old me to the naked eye
But I can't find myself tonight
And so long to no disasters, and mornings too
And so long to ever afters, so long to you
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| anv |
[17 Sep 2009|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love
Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love
And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My loves too big for you my love
My loves too big for you my love
And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
Tell me what to do, to take away the you
And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
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[01 Sep 2009|02:44pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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I wish I didn't believe in signs. Because, they are everywhere that I turn...
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[30 Jul 2009|09:00am] |
I thought that I was figuring it all out. I thought that I had an epiphany.
I was wrong. I don't know what the hell I am doing.
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[27 Jul 2009|10:55pm] |
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I just spent an incredible evening under the starts at the Falls of the Ohio. I saw a racoon, various bugs and John Belski. I had wonderful conversation and got sand in my shoes. I wore a blister on my toes but didn't realize it until now. I'm glad I accepted the invite and didn't just lay on the couch tonight.
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[04 Apr 2009|01:07pm] |
I found a mole in my belly button. I had to have it cut out today. Right after I found out my grandpa has had a heart attack, coming home from a cruise in the bahamas.
I want to go back to sleep and pretend this was all a dream.
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[31 Mar 2009|10:31am] |
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so, i may have bought a new car....
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[27 Mar 2009|07:05pm] |
these rough economic times call for a raise?
lately, i've had to make so many grown up decisions that i think i'm spent for the rest of the year. and it's only march. as you know, i took a job at st. joe's. well, now, since talking to several superiors at work, they have offered me another job within the agency of seven counties. i was told by the big wig that i would not be able to keep my 10% shift differential for working second shift. in my mind, after being told this, i said, "well, then i'm not going to take it." but, i told him i would think it over. then, i spoke with the supervisor from the program that they offered me a position and he said that he could let me keep the shift differential and possibly add more money. he said i got the shaft on my salary....go figure.
so, now, i have to make a decision. do i want to stay within seven counties, where i know what the people but it will be a change? or do i move on to something different where it is less familiar...
decisions, decisions...
i don't want to go or stay for the wrong reasons.
all i know is...everyone keeps talking mad trash about st. joes. is it an effort to keep me? or is it real?
being a grown up is tough.
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[25 Mar 2009|10:01pm] |
my whole life, my mom has told me that once you get older, your days start to fly by.
i realize, now, how right she was....or, always is...
my weeks are giant blurs now. i don't know how to hold on to each moment. much like when i want to scarf down a delicious dessert.
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[22 Mar 2009|10:52am] |
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nevermind.
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[11 Mar 2009|05:25pm] |
I'm staying in the same job field for now.
I took the job at St. Joseph's Children's Home. I will be a residential therapist. Basically, I'll be doing the same thing I do now except less work with families because, sadly, most of these kids don't have parents. Well, they do but their parental rights have been terminated. You get what I mean.
I'll get to use a lot more art therapy...which will feel really good. Plus, they have an amazing art room with a kiln!
I'll be working first shift....no more late nights. No more crisis at 9pm.
It's time to feel good!
(I'm watching the best 80's songs...that's the line I just heard on one of the songs.)
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[05 Mar 2009|12:42am] |
i had a job interview last week. it would be working with children in a residential setting.
but, lately, i've been pondering life to its fullest extent. i can't decide if this is what i want forever. i don't know if i'm emotionally capable of hearing every day horror stories and then walking out into the world like nothing happened. the day isn't so nice after 8 hours of literal horror stories.
i, honestly and truly, might make a career change. i pray that i will find happiness in a job...that pays relatively well...and that does not require me to hear about sexual abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence or neglect every single minute. (that's not an exaggeration)
any help out there?
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| Be sure to wear flowers in your hair. |
[27 Jan 2009|01:02pm] |
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I recently returned from San Francisco. Here is the untold adventure.
I left my beautiful husband behind for a personal adventure alone. I've never flown alone before and I felt compelled to do so before I start popping out babies of my own. I got to Minneapolis very early and had a long lay over. I thought I would just read a book and a magazine or two. At first, I simply sat around pondering why women must cut their hair after a certain age. Is this mandatory? Is it in a Medicare book that I am not aware of? I always pictured myself as an old lady with long, white hair that I put in a bun on a daily basis. As I look around, everyone over 50 has hair that is possibly less than an inch long. I suppose it is because it is easier to maintain. I have come to realize that I will not follow this rule. Not that I am a rebel by any means. But, I'm going to stick to the picture I have in my mind. I'm sure my hair will be scarce in places and probably won't be white but an unattractive shade of gray. But, it's something that must be done.
While I waited and people watched, a lady approached me. She sat down with two seats between us and began talking. Her name is June and she is from Thief River Falls Minnesota. She had only heard of Kentucky through the Kentucky derby. She told me stories of her husband, who had recently passed. They were married for over 50 years. She told me of her mother who passed less than a week prior who was 100 years old! She talked of her daughter who is battling cancer. Needless to say, I bonded with this wonderful, firecracker of a woman. She even traded tickets with a man who spoke broken English and had a mexi-mullet so she could be seated next to me for the fight to San Francisco. We did cross word puzzles on the plane. She shared her lunch-able with me, along with a banana and a homemade doughnut. Upon landing in San Francisco, we were late because of a minor hiccup in Minnesota so she had to rush to meet her sister. I wanted to get her address to have a pen pal. Alas, we simply parted ways by saying "It was really nice to meet you." I love meeting people and hearing their stories of life and love. Maybe that's why I am in the business of listening to people talk.
I took the BART to meet my dear friend Marianne who recently moved. I took it to the mall where she works. When we saw each other, we immediately started tearing up. She got off work soon after. We ate sandwiches at a cute sandwich shop that were over priced and not that tastey. Then, we took a hike back to her apartment. My wonderul old friend from high school, Travis, met up with us and we ate at some authentic mexican restaurant. We laughed and it felt like Louisville 10 years ago. I have missed him so much, and, for the most part, he hasn't changed. He's grown up with an incredible job and a sunnier disposition but he still treats me like royalty...the same way he did when we hung out after shows in high school. Instead of seeing the sights this evening, we saw My Bloody Valentine in 3D. What a way to visit a new city.
San Francisco is a funny place. No one is originally from there. Marianne and I went to get our make up done by a stranger at the NARS counter. She ended up being one of the nicest people that I've ever met and it turns out that she is a southerner from North Carolina. Feeling like a million bucks, Marianne and I took the BART and a cab to pier 33 to take the night tour of Alcatraz. I attempted to take in each sight and sound so that my memory won't fail me later in life. I searched the cells for lost spirits that may not have moved on. After we left the tour and were walking around by ourselves, I could feel the creepiness. But, alas, no ghosts made themselves known to me.
Unfortunately, the next day was filled with me being ill. I still took part in a journey around the city with Travis, who is the only person I know there with a car. It was rainy and foggy. He took us to Golden Gate, Lombard Street, The Painted Ladies, to a Trolley car, shopping and various other fun activities. All the while, I am feeling like death. I tried to hide it but to no avail. I felt awful for having my last day there be full of complaining. But, I couldn't help it. We later drove to Oakland to meet up with old friends Junior and Doug who moved out there several years ago, as well. I sat in Junior's apartment, meeting new people...but only being a distant shell of myself because I couldn't shake the illness. We went to some fancy restaurant to eat a $30 meal. I didn't feel like eating so I sat there, occasionally engaging in friendly banter with my old pals. Then, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I sat on the floor of the restaurant bathroom, crying. Marianne picked me up, hugged me, took me to Walgreens and bought me my own pharmacy of pills. After leaving the restaurant, we went to Travis' apartment and watched So I Married an Axe Murdered, because I had quoted it all week. I wish I could say that I felt better after vomiting my guts out. But, I didn't. So, I went to sleep. Travis drove us home. I left in the afternoon the next day, in an uneventful manner. I didn't meet any cool people in the airport. I didn't miss my connection. But, I smiled a big, bright smile as my old man pulled up in his ugly gold car because I know he missed me so much. And I missed him.
If you read all of that, I commend you.
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